Are You a Super Working Mom? (And Is It Killing You?)
It was 6:30 am on a frigid November morning in 2018. I was driving to our newly renovated apartment, eager to check on its progress. We'd been living in Belmar during the renovations, a temporary displacement in pursuit of a more permanent home. Ever the student of life, I decided to make the most of the drive by listening to an audiobook. Brené Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection had been sitting on my virtual bookshelf for weeks, its title alone – the audacity of calling imperfection a gift – a siren call I couldn't ignore.
And just like in Jerry Maguire, Brené had me at "Hello." It only took the preface to unleash a torrent of tears. She wrote about wholehearted people, and how she'd assumed they were just like her – working hard, following the rules, striving for perfection, raising kids by the book. But then came the gut punch, the truth that shifted everything: "How much we know and understand ourselves is critically important, but there is something that is even more essential to living a Wholehearted life: loving ourselves.”
The tears flowed faster, heavier. Then, another blow: "Knowledge is important, but only if we’re being kind and gentle with ourselves as we work to discover who we are. Wholeheartedness is as much about embracing our tenderness and vulnerability as it is about developing knowledge and claiming power.”
Okay, Brené. I hear you. This drive is turning into a full-blown emotional excavation. And then, the final, devastating truth: "It was clear from the data that we can’t give our children what we don’t have. Where we are on our journey of living and loving with our whole hearts is a much stronger indicator of parenting success than anything we can learn from how-to books.”
By this point, I was sobbing. It wasn't that I didn't know this. I'd been working with my inner child for so long, trying to re-mother myself, step by painful step. Yet, something about her words, their connection to parenting, pierced my heart with an undeniable clarity.
I'd been that mom, the one with shelves overflowing with parenting books. I'd also been the mom who instinctively knew that the real "truth" resided within me, if only I could learn to trust my gut. But I have a deep-seated bias towards knowledge, especially when something as profoundly important as raising children is at stake. So, I was guilty of forgetting the most fundamental truth: a wholehearted life begins with self-love.
In my last post, I talked about the Stickler saboteur and its most common manifestation: perfectionism. Perfectionism is a shield, a suit of armor we wear to protect ourselves from judgment, criticism, and the excruciating vulnerability of shame. The perfectionist is trapped in the relentless pursuit of flawlessness, a prison that keeps her from showing up authentically, truly herself.
That day, in that car, I decided to wage war against the perfectionist within. For too many years, I'd embodied the Superwoman ideal, and motherhood had simply morphed that archetype into Super Working Mom. And I was exhausted. Emotionally, physically, utterly depleted. There had to be another way. And I was determined to find it, with a little help from Brené, my other mentor Margaret Poll, and a whole lot of intention and self-love.
So, today, I want to share what has worked for me. It might sound simple, like just another "how-to" list. But please remember: as straightforward as it looks, this journey requires conscious effort, unwavering determination, and consistent practice.
Awareness and Acknowledgement: This is always the starting point.
Identify the Stickler's Voice: Become attuned to your thoughts and feelings. Are you constantly criticizing yourself or others? Do you feel anxious when things aren't perfect? Do you struggle to relax? These are red flags. The Stickler might be at the wheel.
Name It: Giving your saboteur a name – even just "the Stickler" – creates a crucial distance. It's not youthinking these things; it's the saboteur.
Accept Its Presence: Don't judge yourself for having this inner critic. It's a common saboteur, and it likely developed as a coping mechanism. Accept its presence without letting it dictate your actions.
Challenging Limiting Beliefs:
Question Perfectionism and Explore Your Fears: Is perfection truly necessary? What's the absolute worst that could happen if things aren't 100% perfect? Often, the catastrophic consequences we imagine are far removed from reality. Practice accepting "good enough."
Reframe Criticism: When the Stickler starts its tirade, ask yourself: Is this thought helpful? Is it actually true? Can I rephrase this in a more constructive and compassionate way? Shift your focus from perfection to progress.
Separate Self-Worth from Achievement: Your value as a person, a mother, a partner, an employee – it is not contingent on your accomplishments. You are worthy of love and belonging, period.
Cultivating Self-Compassion:
Practice Self-Kindness: Treat yourself with the same gentle compassion you would offer a dear friend who is struggling. Be kind to yourself, especially when you make mistakes. Remind yourself, often, that you are doing the best you can.
Forgive Yourself: Everyone messes up. Don't dwell on your mistakes. Learn from them, and then let them go.
Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge and celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small they seem. This helps counteract the Stickler's relentless focus on what's not perfect.
Intentional "Enoughness":
Define "Good Enough": What does "good enough" look like for you in your various roles? Visualize yourself being enough, doing enough. Pay attention to how that feels.
Set a Daily Intention: Borrowing from Brené, I start each day with this intention: "Today, I'm going to believe that showing up is enough."
Seeking Support:
Talk to a Therapist or Coach: A therapist or coach can provide invaluable guidance and support in managing the Stickler.
Connect with Other Working Moms: Sharing experiences with other moms who "get it" can be incredibly validating and helpful. You are not alone in this.
Managing the Stickler is a journey, not a destination. Ironically, the pursuit of eradicating it entirely can actually reinforce perfectionism. Acknowledge that this is an ongoing process, with its share of wins and setbacks. And remember to celebrate those wins, because even the smallest shift can make a world of difference in your well-being and sense of balance.
What one small win could you celebrate today? I'm listening.